About too much drama, life and gaming

2015 has most likely been the roughest year in my life and trialled me more than anything before. What exactly has this to do with gaming? It does more than I would like to admit actually but we’ll get there. Guess it started off in late 2014 when I was part of a guiled called Guardians of the Exile. The guild was led by a lady called Iz and was overall a really nice place to stay thanks to her work. We had pvp nights, hide and seek events and even some ~ 20 people showing up for guild missions on average. It was in that guild that I met her..

We started playing together in Silverwastes and long story short, I fell for her. When I confessed to her she did not feel the same but also did not want to lose me as a friend. Naive I decided to suck up the pain and stay at her side. When I look back at it this was not one of my smartest decisions. I can’t really say what made me do it but it certainly was not me thinking she may change her mind if i stick around long enough. She was a grown woman and said no so while a part of me obviously did still long and hope for something that wouldn’t be the other part started burying those feelings deep inside me to be able to bear the pain while still staying at her side. We got closer and spend more and more time with each other and I kept being friendly and openly showing how much I like and cherish her. This was another mistake of mine. As time passed she suddenly started treating me differently, cold, distanced or annoyed at me. Not as a gradually development but rather from one day to another which kept going for some days ’till I decided I had enough of this and confronted her. In short she felt I was getting to attached to her, sticking too close and she can’t be arsed with my troubles since she got her own things to deal with which basically took her quite some hours to finally say while flaming me occasionally for disturbing her champ farm in Orr; which was quite a shock considering I had been there for her for weeks while ignoring my pain plus my need for more than 4-5h sleep a day. I stopped going online for a week and kept any contact to her at a minimum.

The following months where a series of drama followed by drama with occasional breaks of happiness and being close and sharing feelings of love. She confessed to me and didn’t really mean it, we kept hurting each other, I distanced myself several times just for her to somehow manage to pull me back until she believed I was just distancing myself for some stupid pattern I got instead of actual reasons which in turn hurt her even more while she managed to break my heart several times although I still can’t decide if she played me or really was just that careless. Be that as it may, I don’t have any contact to her anymore. Our very last fight was a few days before my birthday in November and the words “FUCK YOU IGNIL” where the last I have ever heard of her to this very day. I decided to delete and block any means of her contacting me or me contacting her and although I still think about her almost every day I think it is for the better to not have her in my life any longer and the drama and depressions she introduced to it. I am not as angry anymore as I still was for many weeks after that last fight and don’t mean to shift all the blame for what happened to her but to explain more would go to far here and also mean to publicise her private matters and things she only shared with me or hardly any person. Both of which are things I have no right to talk about here.

You can say that she was occupying a lot of my attention that year but what further pushed me into a negative spiral was the message that my father was diagnosed with a pretty nasty type of cancer. I will not go into detail about the whole ordeal here but you can imagine with what I described above combined with this… He passed away in September of the last year and I think it was alright in a way that he was finally released of his pain. I had the luck that there were some people around me that supported me during this time and helped me to keep going; friends that have been at my side for years and someone that I randomly met while running the Ruined City of Arah dungeon. It’s strange how life sometimes goes. If I had not played GW2 I would have never met said person since chances are rather low my path would have led me to Norway and even then.. Norway is a big country. Regardless, I have no idea how she views it but in my eyes she is one of my closest and best friends and I hope to have her around me for years to come. A fact that is also rather funny considering I hardly know anything about her after almost one year. She does not really talk much about herself but that’s perfectly fine. The things that are important to me I do know. Sheer endless patience with me, kind, direct, honest, very sharp mind and always has a good advice for me. I would go on and mention the other people too but I am afraid this will turn into a bible long text like that and they know who they are and I can show them every day. With her however the only thing that can reach are mostly words.

Pretty busy year now that I think about it while writing all of this down and I think it’s slowly but surely heading into a better direction. Just recently I joined a new guild and so far I am very happy with it and the people I got to know there but that will be a topic for another time.

Spoiler: cleared the raid with them #ETERNAL # WOHOOO

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1 Comment

Filed under On my Mind

One response to “About too much drama, life and gaming

  1. Pingback: On starting over | Ignil's Domain

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